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Hey friends.

Lately, in my one-on-one work and group sessions, I’ve noticed how often people think “more confidence” is their problem.

That if they could just be confident enough, they could truly live their best life.

And I get it.

Confidence is tantalizing!

It can feel like the catch-all answer for almost everything.

• Not taking the leap on a goal? You need more confidence.
• Overthinking every move? More confidence.
• Holding back in your work, your voice, your relationships? Confidence again.

It can almost seem like a superpower that will make you unstoppable.

But “more confidence” is a trap.

Because when you chase confidence, not only are you aiming at the wrong target, you can spend years trying to shift your identity into a more confident version of yourself, and still not truly move the needle in how you show up in your life. You can end up repeating the same patterns that keep you stuck.

So instead of trying to build more confidence, we need to cultivate something else — something that comes first and makes the confident state of being we’re seeking possible.

And that’s what we’ll explore in this edition:

• A moment from a coaching session that reveals the deeper pattern behind so many “confidence problems.”
• Six reframes that will shift how you think about confidence (and help you build what confidence can’t)

So if you’ve ever told yourself, “I just need more confidence,” this edition is for you.

It’s Rarely A Confidence Problem

“I want to speak up,” she said, “but my throat tightens, and I get scared.”

That summed it up.

She knew she was holding back. She knew there were moments when she wanted to say what she felt, name what she needed, or simply take up a little more space. But when the moment arrived, her body reacted before her words could. Her throat tightened. Fear came in. And like many people do, she assumed the answer was confidence.

If she could just feel more confident, maybe then she would speak.

But I didn’t hear a confidence problem.

I heard a nervous system trying to protect her.

That is the part many people miss when they talk about identity work. They think the issue is confidence, self-esteem, or some failure of mindset. They think they need to believe in themselves more, care less what people think, or push through the discomfort with a more reassuring self-talk.

But that is usually not what is happening.

This wasn’t about confidence. It was about what happened the moment being herself started to feel risky.

That’s a different problem... because..

That was the deeper pattern underneath so much of what came up in the session.

She talked about holding boundaries, interacting with coworkers, perfectionism, and the classic case of “caring what others think.” But beneath many of those struggles was the same pattern: leaving yourself to manage how you are being received.

When that happens, confidence is not the real medicine.

Presence is.

Not presence as an idea, but presence as capacity — building enough safety to stay.

• The capacity to stay in the moment when your body wants to flinch.
• The capacity to feel the tightening in your throat and not make it mean you should disappear.
• The capacity to remain with yourself long enough to do one small true thing anyway.

This is why so much advice about confidence rings hollow.

It asks people to hype themselves up, to fix their self-esteem, to become a version of themselves that feels confident before they act. But most real change does not happen that way. Most real change happens when fear is still active, discomfort is still present, and a person learns, slowly, how not to leave themselves in the middle of it.

In that sense, the goal is not to become the kind of person who never feels exposed. The goal is to stop treating exposure as an immediate reason to retreat.

That might mean expressing the honest sentence with a shaky voice. It might mean naming a preference instead of watering it down. It might mean letting yourself be seen before you feel fully ready. However it shows up, your body begins to learn, over time, that exposure is not a threat, that being yourself does not require disappearing first, and that you can stay in the situation that you always thought would undo you and still be okay.

That’s where the real work begins.

That’s where real identity shifts happen: through the body, by staying present in the discomfort instead of abandoning yourself the moment it appears.

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If this feels familiar, this is the kind of work I help people do in private coaching. If that is the edge you are on, you can reply to this email or book a call.

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6 Reframes That Break the "More Confidence" Lie

Below are six reframes that dismantle the “more confidence” narrative and point you toward what actually shifts how you show up in your life.

1. You don’t need more confidence. You need more capacity.

Confidence is a feeling state. Nervous system capacity is what lets you move when the feeling state isn’t there.

Most of the time, we aren’t stuck because we “don’t believe in ourselves” — we’re stuck because our body tightens the moment it’s time to be seen, and we interpret that tension as a stop sign. But that tension isn’t proof that you can’t do it. It’s proof that your nervous system is trying to keep you safe.

Real momentum comes from building proof points: staying with yourself in small moments of discomfort until your body learns, “I can be here like this and survive it.” That’s a rep of self-trust. Confidence is just the afterglow. (See #6 on this list on how to start)

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2. Confidence disappears the moment visibility begins.

Pay attention to how confidence works: it shows up when nothing is at stake.

Then… you go to express something honest, share your work, ask for a raise, or set a boundary — and suddenly your chest tightens, your mind spins, and you’re back in the old movie. That’s why “you need more confidence” is such bad advice: it fails in the exact moment you were counting on it.

The issue isn’t that you’re incapable of taking these actions. The issue is that your system is treating visibility like danger — and protection always beats aspiration.

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3. “I’ll do it when I feel confident” is just fear dressed up as being reasonable.

This sounds rational and strategic. It even looks like you’re being patient and self-aware.

But most of the time, it’s just a delay tactic that lets you avoid the moment of exposure. Because “when I feel confident” usually means “when I can guarantee I won’t feel uncomfortable.” But the problem is, you can’t build a real life around a requirement like that because that day will likely never come.

Instead, the people who change how they show up in their lives aren’t the ones who feel ready. They’re the ones who move while they’re still shaking, speak while they’re trembling — and let that be part of the process.

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4. The opposite of confidence isn’t insecurity. It’s self-abandonment.

The real problem usually isn’t “I don’t have confidence.”

It’s: I leave myself the moment it gets uncomfortable. I soften my truth. I overexplain my point of view. I apologize for my intensity. I tone down what I really want to say until it feels safe enough for everyone else to find it reasonable.

That’s why so many people feel like their life isn't changing even when they’re “doing the work.” They’re technically showing up — but they’re not showing up as themselves. The win here isn’t becoming fearless. The win is simply abandoning yourself less.

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5. The fear isn’t failure. It’s being seen.

Most people can tolerate private disappointment. What they can’t tolerate is again, exposure… being seen in a way their body is not used to.

Failure hurts — but being witnessed in your truth hits a different part of the nervous system: the part that learned belonging is conditional. So your system tries to protect you with perfection, hesitation, and second-guessing yourself.

This is another reason traditional confidence advice misses the mark: it treats these struggles as a mindset problem when they are often a belonging-and-safety problem. And belonging-and-safety lives in the body, not in your head.

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6. Staying “one breath longer” is the only confidence practice you need.

As humans, we’ve tried all sorts of tactics to become more confident: mindset hacks, hyping yourself up, positive affirmations, faking it until you make it. You name it.

But here’s what actually builds the capacity needed to cultivate real confidence:

That single breath is where identity shifts actually happen. It’s not in giant personality overhauls— but in tiny moments where you prove to your body: I can stay here. I can be seen like this. And I’m still safe.

✦ If you take only one thing from this…

When confidence feels like the missing ingredient, or when you’ve been waiting to feel more confident before you take action, you’re likely chasing the wrong thing.

Thanks for reading.

If you have any questions or need some support, feel free to hit reply. I read and respond to every email.

🫶🏼 And when you’re ready, here are a few ways I can help:

• ​1:1 Coaching and Mentoring: Personal support and guidance around identity, authenticity, and stepping into the next chapter of their life.
• ​The Identity Shifting Morning Practice: A grounded daily structure to stop circling insights on identity shifting and start living as who they know they are meant to be.
• ​Business Coaching for Meditation Teachers: Direct help for guides and spiritual creators who want help clarifying their message, offers, and online path.

Anthony V. Lombardo